Always picked last

 I write a weekly column called “Neighborberry.” If you would like to see "Neighborberry" in your local paper/website, please tell the editor to email me at krisjane7@gmail.com. 

Thanks so much!

Always picked last

By Kris Kolk

Our family holiday functions are not complete without the playing of board games.

Sounds like fun, but for me, it’s not. You see, many in my family are scientists. Since we usually play teams on trivia games, I end up sitting in silence while watching my teammates avoid the arts and entertainment categories.

Here’s what happened on Thanksgiving:

“Oh! We’ve landed on a green square. Read us the science question,” we demanded of the other team. Here was the question:

“What is the manner by which an amoeba’s contractile vacuole releases water to the systole?”

The entire table of players (except one) groaned, because the answer was so obvious. Our team almost took another turn without even answering such a simple one; but our opponents insisted on playing by the rules.

Everyone looked to me while shushing one another. They agreed to let me go solo since I’m rarely able to contribute. Unfortunately, the answer did not occur to me so easily.

“I have no idea,” I admitted.

The house rumbled as nine people chanted in unison, “Exocytosis!” Banter ensued regarding my negligence on pursuing all matters amoeba.

“Well, she’s had a long day,” someone justified for me.

I routinely petition our team to land at any pink or purple square to prove I’m not as dumb as they think. I just enjoy different topics than they do. Bach was a composer during the Baroque period. I also happen to know what a lute is.

But they don’t even pause at my favorite categories, not as long as a science question is within reach. The game is plagued with spicules, quantum electrodynamics, and molecular orbitals. I must admit, though, I’ve learned a lot from these mandatory lessons, I mean festive recreation. I now understand what makes popcorn pop, the names of the bones in the hand, and that lemurs purr.

The Thanksgiving game wrapped up as our opponents silently read the last question of the game before agreeing the card must have been misplaced from the Junior edition. I thought perhaps this would be my moment.

The question was: “What is the transformation rule for a pseudovector?”

The answer, “v’=(det R) (Rv)” was stated almost at the same time as the question.

The game ended quick as a wink (approximately 1000 picoseconds). My hypotheses on pseudovectors were unnecessary. Fine with me.

All I really wanted to do was enjoy the season in a traditional way. Nothing beats biting the phalanges off Zingiberbread men and making angels out of chilly crystalline oxygen and hydrogen flakes.

Kris Kolk has been a writer and neighborliness promoter for more than a decade. You can also visit her at www.neighborsabouttown.blogspot.com. Email her at krisjane7@gmail.com.

The saga continues this season

So many people think I sell Christmas trees. Such an odd thing to think of someone, right?

The following is from last year's post about it...

This time of year, our phone rings off the hook. Why?

People think I sell Christmas trees.

Why would they think such a thing? Well, there is a simple explanation.

Many years ago (2007, I looked it up), I wrote an article for a local tree farm. I visited the farm and had such a great time. The owners were oh-so-nice and taught me a lot about varieties of trees as we walked their acreage. Of course, I said awesome things about them in my article. 

They liked that I said awesome things about them so much they put a blurb on their home page along with my name and phone number at the bottom. When people go to their website they just glance and see my number. Then my phone rings.

Mostly callers want to know if I'm open on Thanksgiving. Or Sundays. Or what time I close.

I could call the tree farm people and ask them to remove my phone number. I think I already did that a while back. 

But that's OK.

I like it when people call me.

Broccoli-cheddar casserole

Here is a classic holiday potluck recipe. 

I attempted it once before except I used shredded cheddar. 

I think the secret is to use Cheese Whiz or a knock-off of it. The second try was the charm! 

Throw in some chopped ham pieces and you've got a meal.

Broccoli-cheddar casserole

Ingredients:

3 T butter
1 bag (16 oz) frozen broccoli
1/3 cup milk
1 can (10 ¾ oz) cream of mushroom soup
1 jar (8 oz) of Cheese Whiz or something similar
1 ½ cups Minute Rice
1 ½ cups water 

Directions:

Melt the butter in a skillet and sauté the broccoli until a bit tender.
Stir in the milk, soup, cheese sauce, rice, and water.
Cook and stir until the cheese is melted.
Pour the mixture in a buttered 9 x 13 pan.
Bake at 350 for 30 minutes.

I'm curious. Is this how you make yours?

 

Hang in there, budddeeee

During the holiday chaos, I neglected someone very special.

Green pepper plant was born a few years ago from seed. He was destined for a life in the garden. Other starters made their way outside, but this guy? Well, we became attached to him.

He's charismatic.

He offers teeny-tiny green peppers every once in a while. I know it's the best he can do. He tries so hard.

Recently, I've become concerned about his health.

It all started after Thanksgiving.

"Hey Christmas tree, you're standing in my light," green pepper plant said (trying to sound intimidating by using his "Joe Pesci" voice).

Did Christmas tree inquire about being moved? No, because Christmas tree and green pepper plant aren't friendly to one another--not since last Christmas when green pepper donned twinkly lights and Christmas tree was all,

"You're such a poser, green pepper plant."

Anyway...

Because of all the holiday hoopla, green pepper plant was forgotten in a dark corner. I believe I heard him wheezing faintly. He can be overly-dramatic sometimes, but on closer inspection I realized a rescue truly was in order.

Oh no, green pepper plant!! 

"Hang in there budddeeee," I said like Pauly Shore. 

Green pepper always liked Pauly Shore.

The patient was immediately taken to a sunny window where he has been receiving scheduled guilt waterings. Some of his leaves turned crunchy and had to be snipped--falling sadly in slow motion, and they remain on his dirt...in the spirit of compost.

And hope.
 

This post was shared on this neighborly site:

Found the Marbles

The perfect gift

"We NEVER have tape in this house. If you REALLY want to make me HAPPY, buy me some TAPE for Christmas," says the person who has nearly everything.

I love it when hints are hurled at my head. Finally, I know what they really want.

I wasn't going to splurge on the "Jumbo," 

but it's Christmas.

Fighter pie maneuvers

 

Parry, dodge, spin, thrust!

My pies will soon be outfitted with crucial pieces of combat equipment:

Pie shields!

For years this has been my strategy to prevent crusts from burning:

Foil is flimsy and usually bails just when the mission gets heated. 

I have wanted these shields forever! Thought I might have to wait 'til 2112.

En Garde!

Pies have assumed control. 
Pies have assumed control. 
Pies have assumed control.

 

Side note:

While waiting in the car mechanic's waiting room, I talked to another customer who told me he was very skilled at baking pies. He brought it up. Anyway, he said just to turn the heat down for the entire baking time and the crust won't burn. Well, maybe the crust won't burn, but then I'd wonder if the pie filling would be done. Pecan and pumpkin pies, especially, sometimes prove dubious.

I don't sell Christmas trees

This time of year, our phone rings off the hook. Why?

People think I sell Christmas trees.

Why would they think such a thing? Well, there is a simple explanation.

Many years ago (2007, I looked it up), I wrote an article for a local tree farm. I visited the farm and had such a great time. The owners were oh so nice and taught me a lot about varieties of trees as we walked their acreage. Of course, I said awesome things about them in my article. 

They liked that I said awesome things about them so much they put a blurb on their home page along with my name and phone number at the bottom. When people go to their website they just glance and see my number. Then my phone rings.

Mostly they want to know if I'm open on Thanksgiving. Or Sundays. Or what time I close.

I could call the tree farm people and have them remove my phone number. I think I probably already did that a while back. 

But that's OK.

I like it when people call me.
 

Rejected homemade ornaments

It was a day of Christmas music and craft scraps. I was in over my head.

First, I decoupaged some garden-themed fabric onto a paper plate.

They turned out kinda cute, I guess. I don't know.

While digging for fabric, I found a bag of pistachio shells I saved a few months ago.

Pistachio shells! Now those have crafting potential!

Paints stood at attention and at-the-ready.

Wouldn't it be cute if the pistachios put you in the mind of old-fashioned Christmas lights?

I found a black twist-tie on the kitchen windowsill, so I used snips of it for the tops.

Since there were so many pistachio shells already painted , I glued a bunch of them together and stuck a cranberry in the middle. 

Regarding glue: spare no expense.

I pity the person who gets my white elephant gift this year.

How are your crafting projects going?

My kitchen on Saturday

Christmas music was blaring when the crafting bug attacked. Besides, the kitchen Christmas tree was incredibly homely and needed a rescue makeover.

After having fallen on the basement floor, decorations and all, the tree was smashed and lopsided. We've been stepping over it for months.

Yet, we propped it up "as is" in the kitchen. I was tired of looking at it. Ashamed, actually.

I was going to make button ornaments and even adorn him with painted pistachio shells! 

The crafting bug kinda makes one delusional.

I made some homemade "mod podge" to get down to business decoupaging ornaments. Various skeins of yarn appeared on the scene, just in case.

Cranberries were strung individually; and the popcorn garland was continually under attack by Kitty Baby. 

It was quite a day.

Eventually, the button ornaments seemed unnecessary and the pistachio project was scrapped. The decoupaged ornaments were OK, but overkill for this little tree, I decided.

After a full day of painting, gluing, decoupaging and stringing, this is what I ended up with:

I did decoupage some blue gingham to a paper plate and snipped a star for the topper. I ripped some country-style fabric and tied it to branches here and there. It's like the tree is wearing rag curlers.

Less is more. 

And it's for the best.